I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
