my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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