we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
