i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
