I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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