Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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