Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
