MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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