You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
