she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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