Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
