Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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