I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
