We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
