Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
