My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
