His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
