Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize