i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
