dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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