youre lurking in front of me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Everclear isn't food dammit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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