Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize