Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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