we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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