Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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