My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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