This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
