i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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