For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
