girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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