I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
well you can't waste a boner
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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