Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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