I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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