I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
