We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize