next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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