omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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