just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
