you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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