When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
