I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
