I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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