Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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