I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
