I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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