i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
