Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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