hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
