My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
