How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
