you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize