I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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