i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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