dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize