I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
