My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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