Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
