I skipped work to stalk him.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize