The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
